I would like to stop wearing condoms. How can I raise this with my lover? | Contraception and family planning

I’m a 41-year-old man in a relationship with the most wonderful woman I’ve ever met. We’ve been together for a few months and I have great expectations for a future together. Although we have amazing sex, I do find putting on the condom and disposing it afterwards can disrupt the mood and the flow. Also, I feel it can hamper intimacy. I have no reasons to be concerned about STDs and would be happy to get tested, just to be sure. However, I am aware of the (unfair) burden birth control can place on a woman. I’ve heard that some women don’t like the hormonal rush they get from the pill. It’s her body, and I don’t want to put pressure on her. So my question is: what would be the right moment to discuss switching from condoms to a different kind of birth control, and how should I do this? Or is it better to wait for her to take the initiative?

The right moment is now. If you are considering a future together you should be able to have frank conversations about anything that is bothering either of you. As a form of birth control, a condom is not infallible, so perhaps the conversation should, at first, be focused on how each of you might feel about having children. If preventing pregnancy at this point is very important to her, she should probably seek medical advice about more reliable types of birth control. You can express your desires frankly and truthfully without putting pressure on her.

  • If you would like advice from Pamela on sexual matters, send us a brief description of your concerns to private.lives@theguardian.com (please don’t send attachments). Each week, Pamela chooses one problem to answer, which will be published online. She regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions.

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